i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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