upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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