tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
