I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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