just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Need sex. Gaining weight.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Randomize
