Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
When are your genitals available?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
