you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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