i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
