I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
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