I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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