OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
