The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
