My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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