So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
