I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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