so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
