Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
