Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize