My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I need a beard to bite.
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