ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
