i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
