it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
