Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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