my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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