when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Randomize
