no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
