So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize