You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
