Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
