Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
