I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
