Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
