You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
