Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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