This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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