After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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