I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Randomize
