You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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