Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
