I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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