alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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