apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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