I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Randomize
