The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
