Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
