Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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