can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
