Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
