Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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