youre lurking in front of me
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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