went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I deserve to be covered in dicks
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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