I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
