Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
