I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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