the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
